I felt compelled by one of my clients to write a blog post today. In todays session, she began talking about a concept that I think comes up far too infrequently in working with my couples and individuals, and that is the societal norms about what people think of each other, gender-wise.
You see, I often focus on coaching clients around strategy - the practical how-to’s of having a healthy partnership, what that looks like in practice. We explore what gets in the way of performing the healthy behaviors that bring couples closer together and the barriers keeping us in these dysfunctional spaces.
If we step back and look at a more grand idea that society implants into many of us during young-adulthood, we see general sentiment. And what does that sentiment say to us about what we think about the opposite gender?
The general sentiment for many men is that men are not “conditioned” to like women, they are conditioned to like men. Dudes are cool, chill, relaxed, and they don’t need to talk through their emotions, nevermind feel them.
Women are people we “deal with,” so that we can co-create, and marriage is something we do, put up with, in order to fulfill our dreams of having our legacy, in some cases.
I see this on the other end as well - that woman are conditioned to think (and many of us see this dymanic play out in our households), that we need to “manage” men, that they are incapable of xyz (fill in the blank) - mostly around housework and childcare.
When we rise to our occasions with these assumptions that have been conditioned into us for years and years, we fall victim to them. It is difficult to convince someone otherwise. For example, when wives complain to husbands that they need more help with the household and children, but continue to remain in the dynamic rather than stepping back and having confidence that he is capable. And when men show up half-way because they are married to the narrative that it is their wife’s job to complain, and that she will never be satisfied.
Does this ring a bell for any of you?
I would love to hear from you - contact me if this resonates and you’d like to find your way out of the maze.
xo Thea