Committed - The Podcast
My About Me episode has dropped. The episode is essentially ‘my story’ and I truly contemplated whether to record such an episode because I previously held the belief that my life was boring, and that people just wanted to hear about marriage, relationships, sex, codependency, divorce, coparenting, trauma, etc.
I wouldn’t say I’ve fully abandoned that, but I would also say that my categorization of “boring” was moreso a fear that my story isn’t real. And that’s something very real that I’m sharing here today, that I haven’t shared anywhere else. Not TikTok, not email list, not my LinkedIn - no where.
People who have experienced trauma, rightfully so, AVOID like there is no end. It is difficult to explain the enormity of trauma and PTSD, in that it is life alterating - no - life controlling. If you have ever read or at least heard of the book called The Body Keeps the Score (linked), you may be aware that our bodies house trauma, which can show up as physical, psychological, emotional (many ways to describe) symptoms. Trauma becomes something that has not only happened to us, but who we are as a person - as long as we remain trapped in the space.
My own childhood trauma has shaped who I am today and although, thanks to many wonderful people in my life, including my wonderful therapist, I have made much progress, I always wonder who I would be if I hadn’t felt confined for all these years by it.
I spoke on my TikTok about how I got married at a very young age. I actually first saw a woman speak about her experience being married young, and specifically giving up the opportunity to get her PhD for love, instead. I was hooked. That was me. This woman who has daughters around the age of 23, recounted an experience from years and years ago of her relationship she knew was in jeopardy of failing. She may not have been more of a ‘no’ than a ‘yes,’ but the doubt was there.
I know I had this doubt, but I had committed and my life was moving forward. How would it look if I called off this whole thing? And am I being reasonable, even? Relationships are hard. Maybe I’m not giving it enough of a chance. Maybe we’re just doing through our tough period, and we’ll come out stronger down the line. I believed, at my ripe age of 22, that was true. It had to be, actually. Otherwise, everything was going to blow up in my face and my life.
I had already sacrificed, be there done that - so I needed to buckle down and make a life with this person whom I knew I loved.
The tough part about it all is that, I didn’t have anyone saying to be “hey, ya sure about him?” and also, what did they know??? He loved me. He pined over me. He gave me attention. He was all about me. I’ve never had that. So I capitalized on it, until one day, it all blew up in my face.
