Make Sex Hotter

Are you struggling with low intensity sex, boring, blasè or non-pleasurable? It is not uncommon to get into routines and once established, it can be challenging to do something different.

Also, many people question, what would I do differently, do I need to incorporate kink and BDSM into my sexual experiences? Well that’s intimidating! I can’t tell you how many couples come to me inquiring if they need a specific toy or some extravagent apparatus to start having more fulfilling sex together.

I find three things to be true in these cases:

1. Couples need to incorporate more connection into their daily lives.

I see so many couples move about their days chatting like best friends without stopping to have deep, intimate conversations about their latest struggles and the passions that fell off due to the busyness of work and family. Connection that is devoted to the two of you, specifically, and your loving of each other. The recognition that your partner is your person and that you have something special that no one else has. Sex isn’t always about fun and excitement, it’s about nurturing the connection between you and this previous gift you have in your partner. Recognizing this and re-recognizing it can help you ignite passion. Many people don’t give our partners “that look” over time that we once shared in the beginning of the relationship, we don’t gaze deeply into our partners eyes and get lost. Life and intimacy become sequential, first this happens, then this, then this, and then we come. Change that up. Be curious.

2. They need to SLOW down 3 times as slow as usual.

We rush through intimacy. Even if we are going slow…we need to go slower!! Find yourself feeling awkward and you are finally moving at the pace I want you to be moving. Look deeply into each others eyes while laying naked next to each other. Create vulnerability where you have been able to skirt around it in the recent past. Vulnerability in long term relationships can be frightening - we have more to lose in these committed partnerships than at the beginning of relationships. We sometimes shield pieces of ourselves either by not talking, or arguing, for fear of being wrong, being judged, being rejected. Not everyone is fearful of losing their relationship - but rather living in a relationship where you are not accepted and celebrated for who you are.

3. They need to incorporate tension into their relationship.

Finally, we have this yearning to come together as one, and often forget that we have a self. Especially when we start having kids - as I mentioned above, work, family, kids take the front seat and dominate every other aspect of our lives. In order to pursue our individualities, we have to actually choose to not nurture work, family, kids for just a moment, regularly, in order to experience the benefits of individualism. We shouldn’t have lost it in the first place, but based on the demands we feel are placed on us, so many of us do. And finding our way back to that feels selfish, and we may be called selfish for doing so.

I always recommend establishing that as a precedent in the relationship either in the beginning (which is optimal), or when you are struggling. Doing our own thing creates this sense of freedom for us and also allows our partner to experience our freedom which can feel risque, they may feel insecure which can be worked through, they may also feel more drawn to you.

The play of individualism and togetherness - the knowingness that we don’t “own” our partners is huge in creating tension because it goes against what many of us believe to be true (somatically), and it can help us have hotter sex.