This is why you can’t change people (on codependency)
We hear this phrase all the time...
"the only person you can control is yourself."
True, but we keep trying to change others. In the most extreme sense, we try to influence all of the people around us, causing us stress and anxiety that consumes our thoughts, feelings, actions. We try to influence our children, our spouses, our mothers, our uncles, our friends our coworkers.
We hem and haw over what isn't ours - often we claim it as ours. We obsess over the "fact" that without us, these people wouldn't survive. They need us.
When in fact - they didn't need us to provide our input (our control), but now they just might. So what changes that "didn't need" to now "needing" it? Our manipulation. We convinced them they needed it. We swayed them. So they're possibly trying to live up to our expectation (because it's the only one that matters - joke). And they've changed their habits/behaviors/lifestyle even...to fit in with our ideals, what we have convinced them works for the relationship or the family. The routine and the new norm is more comfortable to stay in because otherwise they'll receive backlash, criticism, anger, so they put a boat load of energy in trying to please us. OR, they can't keep up and they keep disappointing us. It's like walking around on egg shells.
The person it is most exhausting for? Us.
Let's not confuse codependency with boundaries. Boundaries are the way we say to someone, "I want you in my life and this is how I can keep you here/see more of you/be content in this relationship with you." Boundaries allow the other person to choose whether they want to make the change. Boundaries allow independence of thought/feeling/action. It didn't come from you, it came from them.
Being in a relationship is not easy as you may have come to realize over the years. There certainly is a healthy level of influence that we have on our partners and others around us. For example, if you are in the middle of child rearing and your spouses mother helps take care of the children while you are at work, healthy influence might look like discussing with your partner why it is crucial the kids are in bed on time (to avoid tantrums). It is healthy to discuss how you feel using 'I' statements, hearing their perspective and sharing your struggle around exerting some type of influence over their mother etc.
It's not the fact that you have an opinion, or that you think your way is right. It's about the lengths you are willing to go to get someone on the same page as you, if they don't want to. It's about the changing strategies or the monotonous strategies of nagging, yelling, silent treatment, demeaning, criticizing that are used to manipulate.
I know you love them....but trying to change someone's perspective when they are clear in how they feel is manipulation.
It is easy to look at and joke about the traditional heterosexual, monogamous relationship structure where the husband plays the sloppy, irresponsible son and the wife plays the mother - to all the children including her husband. She cleans up after him, feeds him, takes care of him emotionally, along with everyone else in the household. He has the freedom to go do whatever his heart desires while she is stuck caring for everyone but herself and is trapped in the confines of her home because she’s the only one taking responsibility.
Now, do I recommend letting this dynamic persist if you find yourself in it? First of all, I want you to know that you are not alone if this is your perception of what your life looks like. But also, I want you to see how you must take responsibility for how this has unfolded.
Yes, men are inherently more free than women. It is easier for them to exert their independence, take it, bask in it. To relax. Women have a way of never relaxing, assuming that everything is our responsibility. Read that again - he didn’t force you into taking all the responsibility - you assumed it.
So this is how things change - you take a load off and give it to him, and you work on yourself. Taking time, space, energy - independence.
it WILL be painful. But only in the short term. One thing that is extremely important for us to recognize is that in relationship, you have ‘me’ and ‘you.’ Point blank, we are not the same. We won’t do things the same way, we won’t look at life from the same lens, our priorities will be different.
This isn’t just a woman/man, husband/wife thing - this is the relationship with anyone thing. No two people are the same. So where do we find common ground?
The goal.
You must have a common goal in your relationships. A reason why. You can certainly dump the person you’re with and say you know what, hey, i’ll go find someone else who thinks like I do. First of all, good luck…but second of all, remember why you chose the person you’re with in the first place. In marriage, the goal is a healthy relationship - which leads to happiness and contentment. Safety.
No, it won’t be easier raising your kids alone. If you don’t have kids, it may be easier alone but it’ll certainly be lonelier.
Let’s revisit this topic sometime soon.