Is my partner being hurtful, or do I feel hurt?
Big topic alert! My TikTok blew up when I posed this question, and since then I have made multiple videos off of the first, coming back to it many times.
Followers have been quite heated about the topic because, sometimes, when we are having a conflict with our partner, we are unable to find productivity because we get FLOODED with emotion and details and words we are perceiving as hurtful.
So we start putting up boundaries. When you speak with me that way, I do this, or I go there. And this is VALID. I want to say that first. It is extremely common for us to have a reaction (not a response) to our partner because after all, our limbic systems (our emotional brains) are connected to one another and it is unrealistic to think we won’t feel anything when our partner is upset and sharing that upset with us.
However, I think what is less commonly talked about is the idea around really examining the way we are perceiving what they are saying to us. Because in many cases we are quick to boundary it - don’t talk to me like that. And our partners are left wondering how they can effectively communicate with us.
Women especially can be clear and direct with our communications which feels very much the opposite of hand holding, loving, nurturing - and ENABLING. And that is what I want to point out. It would be great if our partners could cushion what they were saying when they were communicating an issue or conflict, however, if they have said it 1 million times (it feels like) and have not gotten through to us, the way the communication ultimately is ushered may not feel great.
Low and behold, they may just be telling us the truth of the matter, and we inadvertently do not like what we are hearing. And so in a way, we may gaslight them for being clear and direct, trying to divert their clear communication and make them feel mean for sharing the up front, honest truth.