Help! I think my partner is cheating on me!
I firstly want to say, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s so cliche, but it really is a horrible place to be in to suspect your partner isn’t being faithful. Mind you, they may not be, being unfaithful, but it is still an unfortunate circumstance to find yourself questioning this.
I want you to, second, consider a few things. Do you have a general mistrust of people, based on your history, either in your childhood (more fundamentally), or based on previous partners behavior? Another aspect to consider is if you have been untrustworthy yourself. This isn’t empirically cited - but I’m going to say it - sometimes, when we have done something unfaithful, or made a decision without considering our partner, we can understand how our partner may get themselves into a similar predicament. If this is you, assess whether you have a general mistrust because you have been untrustworthy before.
Third, communicate. Communicate in a way that is disarming to your partner. “I” statements are on the rise for good reason - there is less prompting of defensiveness when we can discuss our experience and the “made up story” that is agitating us. What I mean by that is, we can disarm our partners by sharing that we have a thought we may have made out of our own anxiety and/or fear. This can open lines of connection and even potentially inspire our partners to be compassionate toward our own insecurities. This may also open up an opportunity for them to be honest, if they have not been.
If you do have evidence your partner has cheated, I want you to consider what you believe your options are. Note that not everyone will choose to leave a relationship or marriage based on infidelity. There are lots of individuals out there who have compassion for their partners upon finding out they have cheated. We all go through difficult times in our relationships, and there are couples who choose to weather the storm, and allow the infidelity to open lines of communication, create opportunities for connection, and come out stronger.
If you are in a spot where you do not know yet whether you will stay or go, consider the following:
Is your partner ultimately honest? Did they come out with the information upon confrontation, do they put everything out on the table, and/or are they willing to provide any information needed to help you make an informed decision and decide whether to move forward?
Is your partner remorseful about their actions (if they have cheated)? If your partner is approaching the infidelity/breach of trust with defensiveness or more lying, you’ll want to consider what is behind that. It can be important to understand the why, but bottom line, they should be remorseful. It’s very telling if a partner is caught and they don’t have a desire to help you understand that they understand why their actions were harmful.
Can you forgive and move forward? There is a certain period of time where you may want to have more oversight and access to normally personal information, devices, locations, etc. That should NOT last forever. It can be harmful to you and your relationship to consistently keep tabs on your partner at all times, as if you are their parent.
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xoxo Thea