Her Arousal and Orgasm
Hello old friend. Sometimes orgasms for women feel like an old friend…I distinctly know so many instances where I went from not aroused at all - to orgasm. It doesn’t feel as good as the build up, the tension, the uncontrollable release. It feels artificial and forced, “just to say I did it.”
TikTok hates intimacy professionals because, even if you’re speaking about a topic in a tactful and educational way, well, don’t.
So here we go - women need foreplay. And foreplay begins at the beginning of the day…at the beginning of the week. Partners need to be in tune with each other. And I fully understand it’s not always possible, but working on that as much as possible is important.
I find that many heterosexual partners struggle with the masculine/feminine dynamic of roles and not understanding each other based on those roles. There should be care around the fact that we are different and it can be challenging to put yourself in your partners shoes when you have a whole host of other topics swirling around in your head.
Your partner is a priority and spending time caring for them is a priority. And different genders like to be cared for in different ways. Maybe your male partner likes when you bring up the topic of sex, to show that it’s on your mind, too. Maybe your female partner likes to be asked how stressed out she is this week, or what is one task she hates doing but knows it must be done - and then you take it on.
Those are a few examples of ways we can connect with each other. It helps the other feel seen in who they are and what they do/need.
You may believe the ideas above have nothing to do with sex, but sex is not just about intimate and physical foreplay, and penetration. It is about the lead up, the pathway to. Sex isn’t just penis in vagina - it’s all of the ways we connect intimately with our partners. Oral counts as sex, making out naked may count as sex. You get to define it - but don’t limit yourself.
From there, recognize that it can take 20-45 minutes for women to become fully aroused. So if you’ve got your face down there, get comfortable so that you can work your tongue and your hands/fingers for at least 20 minutes, unless she’s ready and pulls you up to her. It’s a good rule of thumb.
We also must reframe our thinking about this - for both women and men.
Women, don’t feel ashamed that it takes you longer to become aroused. Don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘hurry up.’ It doesn’t work. We have so much going on in our heads, that we need to trust our partners understand what it takes for us to relax…and I’m hoping, after this article, they will understand.
Men, she’s not going to become aroused in 5 minutes. Ask her questions. “How’s the pressure of my tongue? Do you like when I lick you here? Do you want a finger inside of you? What’s your favorite thing I do? Is there something different I should try?” Now that you know it can take 20-45, carve out time to have quickies so you can fit sex into your schedule frequently, but then also set the scene and make time for long sensual sex a couple times a week, or at least one time.
Finally, understand that women’s sexuality has been underdeveloped and almost shunned for so many reasons over time. It has been stigmatized - don’t be slutty, don’t get pregnant, don’t look weird, don’t be dirty. It’s really difficult for us to just let all of that go with our partners and be sexual and animalistic. So when it’s challenging to get turned on and/or to orgasm, recognize that she did not have the messaging you received around sex, and it could be part of what’s holding her back.
If you aren’t getting anywhere, reach out for help. Don’t assume that something is wrong, or that you’re not meant to be together, or that you’re not good enough. Many issues in couples relationships are about each individual person first, rather than just the collective partnership.