How to come together when you’re falling apart

I’m sure you remember the initial phase, also known as the honeymoon phase of your relationships. Also known as the infatuation phase - where instead of seeing people for who they are, we see what we want to see in them. And quite honestly, we all put on our Sunday best at this time because we are still working on attracting and keeping our new partner. It’s instinctual for us, although some people try a bit harder than others to be what the other wants, or be who we think we’re supposed to be.

No matter what, it’s not completely authentic. And it makes sense that it wouldn’t be - what would happen if we came into relationships with all of our insecurities and wounds outright, from the beginning? We’d scare many people away. Secure individuals looking for a healthy relationship would walk away, if not also those who have a slight insecure attachment style as well.

And this is for a reason; a secure individual can recognize when someone doesn’t yet have the capacity to be in a healthy relationship, and will lovingly reject or decline to engage. People who feel mostly secure in themselves understand that they can’t fix or save others, and getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t living a content or happy life independently, doesn’t yet have the skills to attach in a healthy way to another.

Back to the honeymoon phase. It feels light and easy, desire is high and conflict is low or non-existent.

Slowly (or quickly) this façade fades away and we are left with a partnership that shows us its true colors. We may think to ourselves, did I choose the right partner? Was I mistaken about this person? It can be disorienting and confusing.

This is the part where we settle into the reality of relationships and come to understand the different phases. It is a marked reason why I encourage those in my practice to allow some time to settle in - months, if they haven’t experienced long term committed partnerships and come to terms with the {honeymoon phase versus the rest of your life}.

This is no cause for apprehension - this is a normal and natural part of falling in love. As I mentioned earlier, we wouldn’t find attraction to people - lust - if we knew all of their insecurities and wounds initially. Love is the phase where we transition into who our partners really are and choose to see and know them.

This real life phase and experience allows us to understand that our partners are different individuals with differing backgrounds and perspectives. When conflict arises based on this reality, we want to question and run away. But instead, ask yourself how you can come together. Ask yourself what your differences are about; use the opportunity as a quest to go deeper. You see, light, casual relationships can never be as fulfilling as those which call on us to go within and confront some of our darkest wounds.

Many people run away, meaning they separate or divorce or breakup because the thought process remains “if I were with the right person, I wouldn’t feel this way - it would be happier, more easy going, free.”

So we must ask ourselves, is what I’m getting from this relationship (my needs) more fruitful than a life without this person? Sometimes we forget who our partners are and why we were with them in the first place because we get caught up in the elements of their personality we don’t agree with or like.

We may remember, “you were so attractive when nothing made you upset or frustrated, when you were full of desire or when you didn’t cry as much.” It’s true - it is lustful and it is one reason why people stray. But going deeper in any relationship will require you to confront these realities. When we can take our partners as a part of ourselves and serve as a safe haven to explore their deepest wounds, we transform conflict into grounds for exploration and greater connection.