Is Sex Addiction a Real Thing?

I have read a few insightful books related to the topic of sex addiction, which is a highly controversial topic in the world of mental health.

Sex is a natural and normal part of relating to other human beings and ourselves (masturbation), and sex isn’t something that people typically or regularly eliminate from their lifestyle in order to be healthier. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), sexual behavior doesn’t have its own diagnostic category, it is listed as a subcategory of another mental health condition.

Impulse control, which can be applied to many behaviors, may be a more accurate description of unhealthy sexual behavior, however this doesn’t lead us to sex addiction, rather a symptom of another underlying issue.

So why do we keep coming back to sex ‘addiction,’ and how do we move forward with the diagnoses that people who have a lot of sex, risque sexual encounters, have a high libido and so much more, are sex addicts.

I took this excerpt from David Ley, Psychologist, book ‘The Myth of Sex Addiction’

“Female sexual desire is different from that of males. It’s not just socialization. In twenty years or a thousand, female sexual behaviors and psychology will still be different from those of men. Many of these differences underlie the concept of sex addiction, bolstering the argument that sex addiction is, in part, an effort to constrict and control male sexuality.”

When I talk about sex addiction, I am often conversing with a man who was told by his wife or female partner that he is a sex addict. And I think some of this feedback comes from those who are unintentionally uneducated in male versus female libido/desire/behavior. Because women naturally have more that gets in the way of their desire, or naturally have a lower level of desire, it feels better to be able to label their male counterpart if he is exhibiting a higher level of desire to have sex. It can be emotionally confronting to be asked by our partners or husband for more sex “why can’t we just…” like it is so easy for us women to flip a switch and turn on for sex.

It takes build up and effort, more than just 20 minutes of foreplay to get us in the full body mood and space for sex. And that’s hard when you’re running a household and working a job and taking care of children. Even if you’re only doing one of those things, chances are life isn’t stress free.

Without the tools and resources to find happier, healthier relating to one another, we as women are in a place where we have a lower libido and that’s that. In a society that doesn’t readily teach women that their sexuality is more than ok, celebrated, welcome, we are stuck.

Men historically have been celebrated for their own sexuality, have freedom around being sexual, having multiple partners/encounters etc. I can’t make a generalization because I do understand men struggle in other ways with regard to sex. For the men who feel confident in their sexuality, you are an easy target for an annoyed partner or wife who doesn’t feel that she has outlets/resources.

So throw that label of sex addict on, and maybe you’ll feel shame and back down. This is what I’m seeing more and more. Instead of taking responsibility (on both ends) for the disparity between the way men and women experience sex, sexuality, sexual desire, we throw a label on it and go down the path of trying to make him stop asking so much, or asking that way, or acting that way.

When I have a client ask me if I think they are a sex addict, I pose the question back at them - is sex an issue for you, is it impacting your life in a negative way and are you unable to control yourself (compulsivity)? High libido and a liking for sex don’t make you an addict. As I mentioned above, sexual desire is a normal experience of being human.

Another point that David Ley raised is, is it inherently wrong to have sex if you are emotional, sad, angry, lonely, bored? How many of us have engaged in sex when in these emotional states? Should we not?

Having sex creates a desire to have more sex - it is one of the foundational pieces of information I give to my couples when they are struggling to have consistent sex. Sex is good for you - it is connection - it is pleasure, these things are good. So are you an addict if you have sex and want more?

We also grow up with the ideal and societal pressure that healthy sex is between two heterosexual people, a couple, ideally married, for the purpose of conceiving children. When we fall out of this category, there is a higher likelihood that shame will be assigned, and it is easy to say that it is unhealthy sexual behavior, because it doesn’t fit in with the norm.

Again, if you are acting impulsively, cannot stop yourself, are putting yourself in risky situations that are endangering you or others in some way and it is impacting your life in a negative way, this should be explored and treated.

What is important is that you recognize and accept the need to explore and form healthier habits.

But wanting sex and wanting a lot of it, is not inherently negative or a problem. Blanket statements don’t apply. Sex is not like Alcohol - people don’t need or desire it and live a fulfilled connected life. There is certainly a subset of people who experience this as they are asexual ++, but it is not the norm.

Resource: The Myth of Sex Addiction by David Ley