How To Have More Productive Conflict
Conflict is a source of contention in relationships. Many of us weren’t taught healthy skills to have conflict in relationships. Notice I said have rather than deal with. This is because conflict is a normal, natural part of relating to other people.
I have encountered so many people in my short years of life that hold the ideal that the best and healthiest relationships are free of conflict or experience very little of it. On the contrary, conflict helps us grow and change, it helps us relate to our partners by mutual understanding, compassion, empathy and it helps us in skill building.
Couples who are experiencing struggle in relationships struggle to work through their conflict in a productive way, thus creating resentment and unresolved arguments.
The first piece of feedback I have is: understanding resolvable conflict versus perpetual conflict. This concept is pulled from Julie and John Gottman, clinical psychologists and relationship experts who founded The Gottman Institute. A husband and wife team, Drs. Julie and John share that some conflicts will be perpetual meaning they will arise throughout the life of your relationship with no finite point. The goal is understanding and accepting this fact - thereby maintaining the way we relate to our partners in it. Resolvable conflict, however, has a finish (a conclusion).
Many people assume that if we don’t finish an argument by coming into agreement about what it is needs to be done as quickly and efficiently as possible, we have failed. And we haven’t…some conflicts are carried through the relationship because they are deep seated issues we struggle with, triggers we experience based on past trauma, or long held belief systems that have been engrained into us.
Remember, relationships are hard because people are different. We won’t have the same opinions/thoughts/beliefs on everything, but we can come together on our issues with a common goal of tackling it together.
When in conflict with our partners, I am going to share some key components I feel are essential to moving through your conflict in a productive way.
Complete listening followed by regurgitation: When your partner approaches you with a complaint (issue), it is most productive to hear him/her out. Note: it is very hard to do this when you feel personally attacked! Please remember that your partners complaints are about them, not you. Listen completely until they are done speaking. Let them get it out unless there is a good reason to stop them such as an emergency. Otherwise, sit down, open your body up (body language) and try your best to have a soft gaze. When they are done speaking, say something such as ‘so what I’m hearing you say is…’ and then share with them what you heard. Go back and forth until you get it right. This is very important! Don’t move on until you understand clearly what the complaint is.
**This skill will help to move conflict much quicker because often times, people just want to be heard in their upset and don’t need you to do anything about it.
2. Proximity: get close together, physically. Sometimes we tend to coil away in disgust or trigger from our partners. We are annoyed and/or upset and we create more physical disconnection from the emotional disconnection we are feeling. Instead, intentionally move closer together, elbow to elbow, knee to knee, sit on each others lap, hold hands or place a hand on the back of your partners neck or on their shoulder. The slightest physical connection can bring emotional connection, and it prevents you or lessens the inclination to raise your voice or become more heated. There is a soothing effect in physical affection. When we are farther away from someone, it is easier to throw our hands in the air, stomp our feet, yell etc.
3. Negotiation: Talk until you get what you both want. Drop the idea that one person is right and one is wrong. There is no point. In the long run, if one person is unhappy and loses most of the arguments, they may start to feel like they are the losing one in the relationship or the one who always has to apologize or give things up that are important to them. Remember that as a couple you are a team, and teammates help each other win.