Why does it feel like a burden that my wife has emotions?

Do you find yourself rolling your eyes when your wife or partner has yet another complaint in the relationship, meanwhile you never complain about anything and just ‘roll with the punches’? Do you think you ‘never do anything right or think you’re a disappointment whenever another topic of contention is brought up?

You’re not alone. So many men struggle with this concept that if a complaint is brought up, you’re in the dog house. You were just moving about your life fluidly and yet again she is coming down on you for something. And now it’s impacting your relationship for the next hour or day.

And the only reprieve you get is when you admit you’re wrong, accept what she has said and then apologize.

How many apologies have you give over the years? Tens of thousands?

Here’s the deal. Men and women are wired differently. Women do often feel shamed by men for having too many emotions, but we have a greater capacity to connect emotionally, more easily, because we weren’t raised with the ideal that we should be strong, unbreakable, provide for the family and never let our emotion show.

These days relationships are changing. We’re no longer putting our heads down and just enduring sex; we’re no longer just doing our womanly duties and ensuring everyone else is taken care of. Sometimes men question why women don’t take care of themselves - well we can, it just wasn’t socially acceptable in the past. So it’s not engrained in us to do so. Independence and self care isn’t something that comes naturally, it has to be learned and practiced. Reminded.

We’re bringing up these complaints so we can have a stake in the relationship, so things can feel a bit more equal…but the catch is that men don’t know how to receive these emotions. Men will go into a shame spiral of:

“i’m not good enough, if I just work harder and do what is asked of me, if I just protect the family and take care of everyone i’ll make her proud - she’ll see it and acknowledge it.”

But…it’s not what we want. We’re asking for something you may not yet have the skills to do because there is a lot of shame associated with emotion for men. And so how do you stay in your masculinity but also bring in sensitivity for an optimal relationship?

How do you stand in your confidence while also embodying the warm connected nature she is desiring - and you frankly need but don’t know how to experience. Can you release the notion that being emotionally sensitive is ‘weak’ or less masculine?

It takes two to tango, and almost always it is teaching the necessary relationship skills to help her help you, and help you help yourself. What comes naturally isn’t working anymore. The world is changing, relationships are changing, and we must answer the call to have truly satisfying, connected, intimate and steamy relationships.