Interviewing your date
Picture this: you are walking in to meet someone, face to face, for the first time, and you are wondering whether you’ll “click.”
Whether you are looking for a long term relationship and your forever person for the first time, you’ve gotten out of a relationship and you’re getting back out there, or you’re divorced now and reintroducing yourself to 2024 dating, I have some personal thoughts on the process and how you might go about that to achieve your optimal relationship.
First and foremost, if you’re personally struggling, know that it will affect your dating and relationship health. It is best to feel good about yourself, where you are at in life, and where you are going. If this is not the case, you may walk into a relationshp expecting it to be your everything - the missing puzzle piece.
News flash: YOU are the missing puzzle piece. So please, for the love, get that in order first (haha!).
And I say this with as much grace as possible and with the knowingness that you will always be on a journey. But when we enter into codependent relationships, or when they evolve into codependency, what I see in individuals is that they are struggling with their own sense of self.
Second, go into your date with an open mind, rather than an expectation. Understand that you are on a discovery around who this person is, and convince yourself that you don’t have the answer to that just yet.
Too many people (naturally) decide what they are looking for and see if they can squeeze this new person into their ideal. If you do this - you’re setting yourself up for a relationship filled with pain and problems!
So now, for the actual date, interview them. Interview not because this is a business meeting and I don’t want you to have fun or connection with this person, but interview them because you don’t know yet whether you want to create passion together, or not. It is crucial to remain clear-headed about who they are, EVEN IF THEY ARE A NICE PERSON!
I say this because I know how incredibly easy it is to try to make something work, because the person has checked off some of the boxes, with a bunch of red flags falling out of their pockets, and you think you may never find someone who does it all.
Now, I don’t want you to have unrealistic expectations about people, but the moral of this story is: don’t have any preconceived notions, and let this person reveal themselves.
Over time (6 months to one year), you will be a student of this new, potential partner. When we are lonely, and when we feel that societal pull to have our destiny and the remainder of our life figured out, we tend to project onto others. Give yourself at least 6 months to see how well you realistically mesh together.
Some of the basics you may want to not only ask early on in the dating experience, but also observe as you continue to date this person are:
family - what does the word family mean to both of you, do you have different ideas, do your different ideas mesh well together; do they create conflict?
finances - what kind of debt do you each have, what debts do you each expect to incur (if anything) and what kind of debts are you willing to incur? Also, what is your saving/investing/spending strategies look like?
intimacy and sex - how do you view intimacy, including emotional intimacy, and the role of sex in the relationship? what is your desired level of connection? what kind of work has been done around this area including your experiences, any traumas (if applicable), and what are you doing to get to the place you want to be?
children - do you each want children, if so what is your vision? do either of you have children currently and how does that affect any future children?
marriage - where do you each fall when it comes to getting married and what is your vision for marriage?
There are so many other topic areas I could include here, but really consider what is important to and for you to make sure you are getting into a relationship that is realistic for you, where you are currently at, and where you desire to go!