Hey, marriage is hard
“You make marriage easy.”
A line I despise, as it denotes something different than what it truly means.
Marriage isn’t easy, but a good partner eases the burden. Good partner(s) make it easy to want to meet each others needs, communicate, be vulnerable, express your sexuality and desires, shoot for your dreams and passions. Good partners make it easy to go through hard times (which are, hard).
Everything doesn’t become easier per se, when you find the perfect person, because there is no perfect person. But a sufficient role model sets a great example, and can rub off on the other partner.
Hope is not lost! You can have an easy marriage.
Might it mean that you have to pull your partner in the direction of security? Might it mean that you need to enlist some help, such as a coach, counselor, or therapist to learn some new tools and skills, and hold you accountable? Might it mean that you need to start listening to what your partner has to say, because they happen to be equipped with good ideas around strengthening your connection together? Yes to any and all of the above.
We all go through phases of our relationships that feel hard, and some feel more difficult than others do. The key isn’t knowing perfectly how to handle it, or even being the best partner in these times. I have spoken with many individuals who admit that, while their marriages survived, they just muscled through to the other side, hired a therapist or counselor, and found their way back to health.
You might even wonder, is it enough to hold on by a thread before we reach out? It can be, yes! Commitment is a good sign you will be able to get back on track. It tends to be a little more difficult when one person in the couple expects the relationship to be like Disney, or non-existant, but you’re not doomed if that’s the case. There are many of us who have been conditioned - dare I say most of us, who believe in that fairy tale (on both sides)?
We keep striving for it, but it’s never quite perfect - or we can’t get our partner to get with the program and fit into the narrative!
For these folks, and for you, if you’re reading this article, there’s a death that occurs when we realize the fairytale isn’t real - life ebbs and flows and there are ups and downs and it’s more about weathering the storm than it is about concocting a plan to prevent the storm.
Over time, we can find happier, healthier, more content relationships do exist, and they feel less stressful and more harmonious. When the storm comes, we can be more prepared to cope and work through it. It may not become a hurricane when you start off on steadier ground, and it may pass just as soon as it started.
Remember, storms can do damage without destroying everything. Keep this in mind as you live in your relationships together and carry on.