How do I manage my partners emotions?

I hate to throw you trick questions, but I also hope I caught your attention in the title of this blog post.

I am often asked by partners how they can get their partner to stop acting or RE-acting a certain way, behaving in a certain manner or simply, stop being SO emotional. It can be a challenge to experience your partners emotions, as they certainly may affect your life. In my practice, I experience partners defending & taking personally what is happening for their partner in situations where they wish the partner would behave in a way that is more advantageous to them and/or to the relationship.

I’d like to flip the script on this a little bit after I empathize with you here. As I mentioned, our partners affect us and we affect them. It is considerate to be thoughtful about the ways we are interacting with one another. To take time to pause and ask ourselves,

“is this going to make the situation better, worse, or will it stabilize?”

Of course, we don’t have full control over the outcome, but we have a greater chance of a mutually beneficial moment if we can work through and cope with scenarios in which we are uncomfortable.

However, this is not always probable - possible, but not probable. I want to open the door to the room where possibility lies; wherein you become a healthier couple who copes with challenge and conflict in a more united and forward moving way.

When you find yourself struggling with your partners emotions, I want you to first ask yourself about your responsibility. I understand this piece may throw some of you off, as we are discussing your partner’s behavior. Many couples fail to see that the way they are showing up in their relationship in general and/or in conflict puts their other partner at a disadvantage to begin with. A metaphor for this might be poking a bear who finally attacks, or flicking someone on the ear until they finally swat you. I want you to rule this out as a possibility.

Now just to be clear, none of this applies to abuse in relationship; if you are experiencing abuse you should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233, seek professional help and remove yourself from the home for safety.

Next, I want you to consider what makes sense about the way that your partner is behaving, based on their history and experiences. As adults, we may assume that adults should act like adults, but forget that adults who were raised by children, often go on to raise their children in the same manner. There are different possibilities for this including trauma such as abuse and neglect histories. This practice, seeking to understand the root of what is happening for your partner in these moments, creates empathy and that’s always a good thing in relationship with other people. If your partner has had a particularly challenging childhood in which they learned (or didn’t learn) their emotional coping skills, it is safe to say the environment they grew up in has affected them in some way.

When we can start to see what is happening for our partner, rather than simply assessing, judging and criticizing behavior, we are able to modify the way we approach not just a situation, but a whole system we have created in our partnerships. I would guess that you and your partner have a general way of operating both in harmony and in conflict, and these patterns that have been created persist over time. When we are able to interrupt patterns, they will shift in some way.

That being said, you may have noticed that when you attempt to reprimand your partners behavior, control their behavior or even CORRECT their behavior, you find that their trust level goes down and as a result the intimacy and connection you feel together reduces as well.

If you find yourself saying the words “you should just” or “could you just,” see how you can care for the part of you who has a need to control the situation. Asking for a need is different than trying to correct, so there is a possibility that expressing how your partner is behaving is affecting you, will spark something productive. But - notice how I want you to phrase your need: in terms of what is happening for you.

Similarly, you may choose to let your partner do what they do, but to take care of yourself in these moments as they may not have the ability at this time or see the utility in trying to make a change. The way our partner copes with difficult emotions is not something we are in charge of, per se.

In life, we fall into codependency when, in order to live our life, we must make sure others fit into our narrative. I can aknowledge that having a partner poses an added challenge when you are experiencing dysfunction, as you have built a life with and may live with this person. It’s not simple to walk away, break up or get divorced, and you may not want to do that. I see how you may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I assure you there are options that you may never have considered within the approach you are currently taking.

Work to validate your partner’s emotions and notice how they impact you, without attempting to change or fix. Try to see through their lens and make sense of their behavior. Not to reinforce it, but to become connected to it. When we view our partner as an alien based on the way they are acting, it is much harder to empathize and subsequently they will pick up on our criticism, further exacerbating the disconnection between us. Care for yourself by doing something to regulate your own nervous system in tough moments, and then come back to the table. Often when we simply start to understand and show the understanding around emotions that turn into behaviors, the guard gets let down and the behaviors dissipate.

If you are in need and would like to reach out, please visit my Contact Page.